News Flash: Turbine announces “Dungeons & Dragons OFFLINE”

The motor pool commute is MUCH more interesting when you have to re-route your commute due to dragons on the roadway.

I’m still reeling over today’s announcement from Turbine of a bold new game that takes Dungeons & Dragons to your very doorstep.

Many of us enjoy D&D in one form or another, such as the venerable Obsidian and Atari “Neverwinter Nights” games, the “Baldur’s Gate” games, and, of course, “Dungeons & Dragons Online.”

But Tolero, Senior Hatchery Specialist, announced a new D&D product that not only may be outstanding once out of alpha and beta, but controversial.

“Turbine is excited to announce DUNGEONS & DRAGONS OFFLINE, a bold new way to challenge and vanquish the horrors of X’endrik and the Forgotten Realms–without a computer!”

Using a special belt-mounted device and virtual-reality goggles, DDOffline creates a virtualization of D&D non-player characters and enemies that blend seamlessly with your day.

“Whether you’re at work or at home, you can enter a quest and slay orcs, converting ordinary household and office devices into your weapons and gear,” Tolero said.

While still in alpha, DDOffline promises to be a challenge to implement. “Katie,” who asked not to give out her real name, has been part of the alpha program.

“It’s been awesome!” she says. “I wear the goggles when I’m doing household chores. One day, I entered the bathroom to drop off a filled diaper I just took off my son, and a kobold appeared! After it screamed how much it hated me, I looked down at the diaper and converted it into a throwing weapon. I threw it and killed the kobold with one mighty blow!”

“Katie’s” husband, however, noted that his wife’s happiness was his bane. “I spent 2 hours cleaning baby poop off of the bathroom wall. My wife is running around the house jousting with a spatula. So how is this fun for me, again?”

The virtualization goggles are designed to work on normal eyeglasses and sunglasses. With a cellular link (sold separately), you can take your adventures into your car and on errands and your daily commute.

“I slew a dragon that tried to eat several cars ahead of me, stopping all lanes of traffic on I-90” recalled John Michael “DragunSlazar” Baker. “I floored my engine, converted my coffee cup into a lance, and charged! The dragon just exploded! People around me were cheering and laughing! They nearly smothered me when they dogpiled on me in celebration. They sent me to a healing village and clerics had to tend to my injuries. Now I need to roll high on my Diplomacy skill since, apparently, I slew a dragon aligned to a kobold nation. They’ve imprisoned me and I’m not yet sure how to get out.”

Local police and bystanders who were present during Baker’s dragon slaying were reportedly not amused. Without the VR goggles on hand for themselves, they simply noted Baker ramming a jack-knifed semi-tractor tanker, filled with gasoline, which ignited in a gigantic fireball, closing the interstate for hours. After being treated for 2nd-degree burns at a local hospital, Baker is currently in the city lockup awaiting a hearing.

“I’m looking forward to killing the trolls I see at work,” said Matt Greer, alpha tester. “It’s bad enough they’re on the DDO forums and Facebook. Now I get my revenge!” he said, prepping a mixture of vinegar and lemon juice in a coffee cup-turned-longsword.

Dungeons & Dragons Offline expects to go to beta soon, as soon as a few nagging bugs involving missing infants and wandering beholders is cleared up.

10 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Jerry Snook (@JerrySnook)
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 10:50:13

    Wait until you fail your teleport, it’s epic!

  2. Kevin M.
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 11:58:17

    Ooh, I can’t wait for Mabar Offline! Slaying all the ghosts and skeletons and such wandering around my neighborhood is gonna be great! And their drops will be DELICIOUS!

  3. Lakkus the Cleric
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 12:32:44

    Fantastic! I can’t wait to augment my potato masher with my fridge to give me a chill touch weapon!

    • teachersyn
      Apr 01, 2013 @ 12:40:53

      Meanwhile, the EPA, FBI and Humane Society are curious about why you flash-froze your cat and if you are interested in selling the technology after they’re done suing and indicting you…

  4. geoffhanna
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 18:30:16


  5. EvenNote
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 23:02:23

    HAHAHA, oh, this made my night! Bravo!

  6. Empress Mizzaroo
    Apr 01, 2013 @ 23:10:20


  7. GMTrojan
    Apr 02, 2013 @ 15:23:44

    That was Awesome!

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